The Single Biggest Thing You Can Do To Save Your Marriage

In today’s blog we are going to be looking at how to prevent divorce. Having experienced divorce firsthand, I can confirm that it is one of the most stressful events that life can throw at you. If we can learn some strategies that would help us navigate our intimate relationship more skilfully to help keep it loving yet dynamic and avoid separation and divorce, then surely that’s a good thing.

The skill, devotion and vigilance required to keep an intimate relationship dynamic and healthy makes it a life time practice and with the prevalence of divorce continuing to soar it’s proof of just how challenging this sector of our life can be. We aren’t taught this stuff at school and our parents may or may not have been good role models for us, more often than not they didn’t possess the skill to keep the love flowing and prevent the resentment from creeping in and staying.

The breakdown and disintegration of my own marriage can be traced way back to 4 years prior to it actually occurring, or even longer if you look at our compatibility at the start. There were numerous reasons for it happening and way too many for me to go into here in this short blog but I will share with you one of the biggest reasons for most relational disharmony. Once we learn to outgrow this element of our self  we can expect a lot of positive change in our relationships. You might lose some of your current ones but you’ll find that the ones worth keeping will improve.

The part of ourselves that we need to outgrow is called co-dependency. This dynamic in your marriage is where you put the importance of your own needs behind that of the relationship and/or the other person in it. You trade your authenticity for what you think will make the relationship better. Only problem is that your own needs go unmet so overtime your resentment begins to grow and if you’re anything like me you’ll begin to try and get them met in a covert way.

Let me give you an example so you can better understand what I’m talking about. Let’s say your partner doesn’t like you going out with your male friends and every time you arrange a boys evening she gets mad and withdraws from the relationships. If you are co-dependent  you will try to appease your partner and resolve her madness by not going out with your friends. Only problem is that you love going out with your friends. It’s a great way for you to let off steam and catch up with them and chew the fat so to speak. But you also can’t stand to make your partner mad. So here you are meeting your partners needs while yours go begging. It won’t be long before your resentment builds at not going out and you’ll try to get your needs met in other ways.

On the surface it looks like your relationship will be ok. You’ve stopped doing what your partner didn’t want you to do and she’s no longer mad. You’re resentful but hey you’ll get over it right? Wrong! This is a pattern that will appear again and again in your relationship. The pile of resentment you’ll build over time can’t be ignored forever and if that’s not enough your partner will eventually lose respect for you if you keep on giving in and losing your boundaries. Weak boundaries are not associated with a very mature version of masculinity, nor a ones that are too rigid.

Growing out of co-dependency takes balls. You are going to have to upset a lot of people but do it you must if you want to step into a more authentic, respectful and mutual relationship that will stand the test of time.

For more advise on all things men check out the FAQ videos and other blogs. You’ll also be able to download my free e-book “The 4 essential practices of healthy men”. which contains information and practice to help you begin your journey to freedom.

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